Technical Support for Installing a Husband

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
* Romance 9.5
* Personal Attention 6.5
and then installed undesirable programs such as
* NHL 5.0,
* NFL 3.0 and
* Golf Clubs 4.1
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.
* Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE ,

First, keep in mind,
* Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package while
* Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install theGuilt 3.0 update.
* If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 ,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
* Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, D0 NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
* Cooking 3.0
* Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Desperate
Tech Support

Can You Read This?

I CAN READ IT! CAN YOU ????

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too.
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the
olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a
pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot
slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.

ONLY FORWARD IF YOU CAN READ THIS

Great Deals on Kids DVDs

Amazon are offering up to 70% discount on some great kids' DVDs right now, including some which my son wants for his birthday in May, so that is good news for me.

Great DVD titles like:





They are also offering Disney DVDs
with Buy One Get One Free.

Also Best Selling Kids DVDs such as Wall-E.

I always find that Amazon.co.uk offer a wide selection at the best prices. They ship anywhere at very reasonable rates. Most orders sent within the UK are postage free.

Interesting facts of life From The Easter Bunny

Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket.
Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
Good things come in small sugar-coated packages.
The grass is not necessarily greener in someone else’s basket.
To show your true colors, you’ll have to come out of your shell.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

Locate Your Child's Mobile Phone Anywhere in the UK

ChildLocate enables parents to locate their children's mobile phones anywhere in the UK for only £1.35 per week.

ChildLocate is the leading UK provider of mobile location services and has been featured on ITV, BBC, The Telegraph and FT to name a few. With thousands of new subscribers, ChildLocate is a must have service with millions of parents throughout the UK. ChildLocate works with mobiles on Vodafone, o2, T-Mobile, Orange, easyMobile, Fresh, BT Mobile, Tesco Mobile and Virgin Mobile.



Service Includes:
- Locate from Web
- Locate from your own mobile phone via text

Other features:
Find Me - your child can request you to be notified about it's location by sending "Find Me" text to 60066.
Text Messenger - You can send and receive text messages from the ChildLocate console.
Check In - your child can "check in" by text when arriving at a certain location and
you are notified about your childs location by email and text.

They currently offer all customers a Free 30 Day Trial!

Visit the ChildLocate website today for your Free 30 Day Trial.

The Medical Diagnosis & Solution for Women

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day

BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 slice wholemeal toast
1 cup skimmed milk

LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the biscuits from the packet
1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size Supreme pizza
3 chocolate bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

REMEMBER :
'stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts'

Send this to four women and you will lose two kgs.

Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew) and you will lose 10kgs.

IF you delete this message you will gain 10 kgs.

Finally, here's some advice for you:

Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.......

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of biscuits, the mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates...

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

Hope this has given you all a laugh!

Even God Enjoys a Good Laugh

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

On the subject of God, I recommend reading The Shack

Fleming and Churchill plus Irish Luck

His name was Fleming and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

'I want to repay you,' said the nobleman. 'You saved my son's life.'

'No,I can't accept payment for what I did,' the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

'Is that your son?' the nobleman asked.

'Yes,' the farmer replied proudly.

'I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.' And that he did.

Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.

What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill .. His son's name?

Sir Winston Churchill.

Someone once said: What goes around comes around.

*************************

Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt..
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.

*************************

An Irish wish
May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
and may you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows you're dead.

Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it..'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Slow Dance - Last Wish of a Dying Teenager

This is a poem written by a teenager in a New York Hospital who is terminally ill with cancer. She wants to see how many people get her poem. It is quite the poem. Please pass it on. Copy and paste it into an email.

It was sent by a medical doctor - Make sure to read what is in the closing statement
after the poem.

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Do you run through each day on the fly?
When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores running through your head?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Ever told your child, we'll do it tomorrow.
And in your haste, not seen his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time to call and say,'Hi'?

You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....thrown away.

Life is not a race.
Do take it slower

Hear the music
Before the song is over.

FORWARDED E-MAILS ARE TRACKED TO OBTAIN THE TOTAL COUNT.

Dear All:
PLEASE pass this mail on to everyone you know - even to those you don't know. It is the request of a special girl who will soon leave this world due to cancer.

This young girl has 6 months left to live and as her dying wish, she wanted to send a letter telling everyone to live their life to the fullest, since she never will.

She'll never make it to prom, graduate from high school, or get married and have a
family of her own.

By you sending this to as many people as possible, you can give her and her family a
little hope, because with every name that this is sent to, The American Cancer Society will donate 3 cents per name to her treatment and recovery plan. One guy sent this to 500 people! So I know that we can at least send it to 5 or 6. It's
not even your money, just your time!

PLEASE PASS ON AS A LAST REQUEST.

Dr. Dennis Shields, Professor
Department of Developmental and Molecular Biology
1300 Morris Park Avenue
Bronx, New York 10461

I have since been advised that this is a hoax
http://www.breakthechain.org/exclusives/slowdance.html
but the important point is that hopefully this poem made you stop and reflect for a moment on the quality of your life and if it just achieved that, it was worthwhile.

Children 4-8 Years Old Were Asked What Love Is

'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.' - Rebecca - age 8

'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.' - Billy - age 4

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.' - Karl - age 5

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.' - Chrissy - age 6

'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.' - Terri - age 4

'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.' - Danny - age 7

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss' - Emily - age 8

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.' - Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'
- Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'
- Noelle - age 7

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.' - Tommy - age 6

'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.' - Cindy - age 8

'My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.' - Clare - age 6

'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.' - Elaine-age 5

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.' - Chris - age 7

'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day..'- Mary Ann - age 4

'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.' - Lauren - age 4

'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image) - Karen - age 7

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it But if you mean it, you should say it a lot.. People forget.' - Jessica - age 8

And the final one...

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
'Nothing, I just helped him cry'

Source: http://www.spiritdaily.com/childrenlove.htm

With thanks to Iain Legg who sent me this list. You might want to visit his sites: www.EvolutionEzine.com and www.SuperMindEvolutionSystem.com

Why Can't the UK Cope with Snow?

So the UK was snowed in this week with 15cm deep snow. The news reports told us that 6 million people did not make it into work on Tuesday and that 6,000 schools nationwide were closed. Why? It is just snow. Other countries have much deeper snow for months every year but life goes on as normal. The snow in the UK is always a new type of snow thereby causing an unknown problem.

About a month ago we had much deeper snow and people were slowed down by snow-covered roads but life went on as normal. Certainly the schools were kept open. Children just put on their snow boots and warm clothing and enjoyed the snow.

The school in our village of Bolderberg with fresh falling snow on 5 January...:


...and on Tuesday 3 February with much less snow:


One mother who was interviewed said it was sensible to close the schools because of "Health & Safety". The UK has gone over the top with Health & Safety. As a consequence of such ridiculous "What if?" over-protection, five teenage girls had a sledging accident in which two were critically injured. Had they been at school,the accident would not have happened.

Mind you, when I asked someone in the UK why everything stops when it snows, she replied,
"Here in the UK we work longer hours than other Europeans and have less public holidays so I think we are entitled to the odd "snow holiday."

What do you think?

Joke: A Christmas Divorce

An elderly man in Perth calls his son in Sydney and says, 'I hate to ruin your Christmas, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting divorced; 35 years of misery is enough.' 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. 'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in England and tell her,' and he hangs up.

In a panic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.' She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there on Friday. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up and turns to his wife.

'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.'

Three Amazing Photos from Dubai

Three amazing photos from Dubai.



Apparently the building is so tall that you can see above the clouds and even the curvature of the earth from the top.

A POEM ABOUT OUR GIRLFRIENDS

Someone will always be prettier.
Some will always be smarter.
Some of their houses will be bigger.
Some will drive a better car, their children will do better in school and their husband will fix more things around the house.

So let it go and love you and your circumstances.

Think about it, the prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her Heart...
And the most highly favoured woman on your job may be unable to have children

And the richest woman you know has the car, the house, the clothes ~ but might be lonely. . .
and the word says, ' If I have not Love, I am nothing. '

So, again, love you. Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say, ' I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed, to be disappointed! '
'Winners make things happen~ Losers let things happen'

Be 'blessed' ladies ~ and pass this on to encourage another beautiful woman.
To the world you might be one person,but to one person, you might be the world!